I didn’t sleep well last night. In fact, I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few months. This is due, I’m sure, to bad diet and lack of exercise.
My knees hurt all the time now and as per my doctor, I need to keep exercising to keep them from deteriorating further. But, that just makes them hurt even more and I am struggling to walk, let alone do full exercise programs.
I take pain medication to sleep at night and take one of the nighttime formula pills (supposedly non-habit forming) to help me sleep. When I don’t take these, I don’t sleep. They sometimes won’t even work when I do take them.
My diet has been shit. I’m craving lots of sugar and junk food. I’m drinking more wine. I’m overeating, even though I know it will give me horrible indigestion at night (probably another reason I can’t sleep). I give into the cravings and do not feel guilty about indulging. As a result, my clothes have gotten tighter. I feel unhealthy and I’ve almost regained all the weight I lost 3 years ago.
To make myself feel better, I shop. I buy things I need but I splurge on the price. This shopping phase will end. It always does. But, it is a bear when I’m going through it. It’s my downfall. Big time! I shop to feel better about myself. I eat out more often and buy more expensive things and that I do feel guilty about.
Now that I am employed, I should be saving. Instead, I’m spending like it’s going out of style. I’m eating like it’s my last meal. My self-discipline has flown out the window and I am desperately trying to get it back.
These are typically a lonely time for me and I find that kind of sad. No one really understands the anxiety it can create except those who go through it and those who I would normally turn to either do not know what to do for me or do not care enough to help.
My husband is sympathetic and supportive and has seen me go through this phase before but he wisely keeps his words to love and support, knowing that any criticism will release the Dogs of War from me. My son is young and quick to give me hugs but stays close to Dad because when I’m this low, I do not govern my emotions well.
Other family members who I try to open up to tend to just give me lip service. I’m not high on the family totem pole and they are dismissive of me more often than not. Their apathy is hurtful but sadly, doesn’t surprise me.
So, it is a lonely time for me and one that I have to pull myself out of. This time is a little more difficult for me. My knee pain is distracting. School and soccer season have begun. I don’t have the energy to eat well after the end of the day.
But, I must find a way through it, as I always do. I just hate it while I’m here.